Parenting Tips

Dad's "pick up" game - "Preparing a child for Kindergarten is - Elementary!" - Food Rules - Prepare for transitions - Plan ahead to avoid the “gimmies” in grocery aisles - Holiday Gifts - Reading is a “three-way” street - “Here she comes!” - Going to school for child seat installation - Hitting the road with kids - "Open-ended questions" - Summer safety - Too much television - Call waiting - The ABCs of choices - Look for infant child care before the baby is born - It’s not “making a mess,” it’s “experimenting” with paint - "My child plays at child care while I work all day – is that right?" - Expulsion - Flu Prevention - Sick child planning - Not a “bite-sized” problem

Dad’s “pick up” game
Q: Give me a power tool or a ball of any shape or size and I’m pretty comfortable, but now that I’m a
brand new dad, I’m not so sure how to even hold my precious baby girl. Please don’t tell my wife I’ve asked
about this, I am so embarrassed.
A: First of all it’s great you recognize that your new child is not like the rest of your toys and tools. Give
her time, though. The more you get to know her the more fun she is likely to be, and one day she might
even help you build that new deck out back. So let’s get off to a good start with a warm-up drill.
Say she’s rested but alert, fed and her diaper is clean. That lowers everyone’s anxiety level a lot. Begin
by just looking at her. Really look at her from close up. See how she is looking at you! Look at yourself
now and the silly faces and noises you started making – probably without even thinking about it. This is not
embarrassing. This is fun. This is good! Don’t stop!
Now pick her up with both your hands – one supporting her back, and the other supporting her head –
and keep looking at her. Talk to her gently, face to face. If she starts to cry or squirm, don’t give her away.
That sends the wrong signals to everyone. Just hang tough. Hold her close to you and rock her gently until
you feel comfortable. She’ll pick up on that and will likely calm down, too.
Practice this every moment you can. You can hold her on your knee or cradle her in your arm, but spend
as much time as you can with her facing you and you looking and talking to her – even if it’s nonsense, or
just thinking out loud about something else.
There will be pre-teen years when it will be a chore for her to look right at you, but right now, you are
THE MAN. So take every advantage. The research is pretty much on your side; the more you hold your
child, look at her and talk gently to her, the better her chances for normal emotional, social and intellectual
development.
If this were football the coach might put it in terms of trust, teamwork, and practice. When you hold
your children safely, they learn to trust and they have less anxiety. Newborns aren’t ready to “learn to cope
by themselves.” They need someone they can trust to protect them just like the quarterback needs and trusts
his interior linemen.
People live around other people – we’re social beings. And that requires teamwork, even if the team is
only you and your child, and it seems like you are doing most of the work.
Practice means everything when it’s game time. When you talk to her you are showing her the highlight
reels from your lifetime of learned language. It won’t be long before she can’t resist imitating it. That part
can be very helpful for her speech and intellectual development. It also can be very amusing for you. So go
on. Get in the game!

Preparing a child for Kindergarten is – Elementary!
Q: I don't want my child left behind when she reaches school, but she's not quite three years old yet.
Should I be teaching her "ABCs" already? What should I do?
A: Try this: turn off the television and the radio. Hang up the phone, and give your child a big hug. Then
do something with her, and talk about it while you work or play together.
You could read a book with her, fix a healthy snack, shop for groceries, pretend you are in a parade or
take a walk along the street looking for …who knows what! Repeat this every day – at least twice on those
days when you aren’t working outside the home.
While you are doing these things, model the kind of good social behavior you would expect if you were
spending time with a peer – talking calmly and allowing her to express her thoughts, sharing, showing self-control and encouraging positive behavior with positive feedback. You will have a great time and your child
will be preparing for school in every moment.
Why does this work? Children are born learners, so what you are doing is giving your child a chance to
exercise the curiosity she was born with by providing lots of different concrete experiences that are shared
with others. The hugs and physical closeness are also important. Learning improves when children feel
emotionally safe – that is, they feel comfortable with the others they are with, and don’t feel at great risk of
embarrassment when they try something new.
Teachers will tell you it’s great to have kids in Kindergarten who know their ABCs, but what’s even
more important to your child’s success is showing up at school curious and willing to share her knowledge.
You are also helping her learn to interact successfully with others and manage basic personal tasks – even
geniuses ought to know how to do that!

Food Rules
Q: My three-year-old already loves junk food. How do I break his habit?
A: Prepare to tighten your belt, because you may lose some weight while you are changing your child’s
eating habits. Chances are he developed his taste for a number of reasons:
• Junk food is handy, and it has become an easy solution for snacks and meals.
• He’s worn you out by refusing to eat healthier choices.
• You have been rewarding good behavior with food “treats.”
• He’s been watching what you eat.
Most of us fall into these traps, so don’t beat yourself up about them, just start avoiding them. Here are
a few principles that apply:
You decide what’s available to eat. Nutrition is important, so make it a priority. Give yourself time to
purchase and prepare fresh fruits, vegetables and non-sugary dairy products for meals and “grab and go”
snacks. If you don’t buy the other stuff, you won’t be tempted by it. You also decide when and where he
eats, and planning can make a big difference. If you and he both know there will be a timely snack break it
may avoid a “hunger tantrum.”
Persist, but nicely. It may take some children ten tries before they really accept a new food. Expect a
few refusals, one or two mouthfuls rejected, and maybe a painful face during swallowing or two. Accept
those gracefully, with a mention that, “maybe next time you’ll like it better.” And don’t allow later
substitutions with poor snacks. This part won’t be easy.
Hugs are fat free. So are encouraging words. They make great rewards for children who are patient
while you are doing chores or running errands. Talking with your child about what you’re doing or playing
observation games, such as “I Spy” can help your child participate in your errands. That may help you
avoid making deals that go, “if you do this for me, I’ll buy a treat for you.”
Change your own eating habits. This may be the best part for you. As you buy fewer sugary, salty,
fatty snack foods, you will be eating less of them, too. As you enjoy a healthier diet you will be modeling
good behavior for you child, and helping yourself. Won’t that be nice!

Prepare for transitions
Q: It seems my child’s got a bad case of “I-don’t-want-to-go-itis.” She just throws a fit every time we have
to go anywhere or do anything. I have to bribe her with treats to get her out the door so I can run some
errands.
A: Well, you are right about wanting to break the “treat” cycle. That will only get worse in time. The
alternative is to prepare for transitions. We all like to decide for ourselves when we are done with one thing
and have to start another. If she’s absorbed in a puzzle or a picture book she just may not be ready to stop.
Give her a heads up, and enough time to find a stopping point on her own.
Begin with a very specific “alert” that you are going out shortly and she should finish whatever she is
doing to start preparing herself. If the television set is on, turn it off. Don’t try to compete with a cartoon
for her attention. If you choose the programs she watches carefully, you can plan trips so they don’t
interrupt broadcasts you want her to finish watching. That keeps turning off the TV from becoming an issue
in itself.
Your child may not have as keen a sense of time as you do, so providing a “five-minute” or “twominute”
warning won’t be as useful as describing time in terms of a specific action, as in, “We can finish
your drawing when we return, so stop when you’re done with the blue marker and put them all away. Then
put on your coat and we will go.”
As soon as she begins to prepare herself, you might keep the focus on the transition by describing how
you are getting ready, and what role she’ll be playing in the trip. If they can anticipate their involvement,
children are more likely to embrace the event. You might say something such as, “I’m checking the
refrigerator for milk, and finishing my list. Are you going to help me find things in the store? Do you think
we will find many red things? We’ll be going as soon as I find my keys and my coat.”
These transitions will be easier if your daily cycles are fairly predictable. In time your child will be able
to anticipate, and even remind you that it’s time for a new activity.
Lastly, put a name on the days when the routine is different and talk about them. For instance, remind
your daughter in the morning that this is a “visit grandma day” or perhaps it’s “go to church day.” In any
case, those days should have predictable routines of their own, even if they are different from other, more
normal days.

Plan ahead to avoid the “gimmies” in grocery aisles
Q: It is so embarrassing. You take your three-year old grocery shopping and she just wants to get out of
the cart and pull items off the shelves. She’s even thrown a temper tantrum right there in the checkout line.
What can you do?
A: Kids are people, too! Grocery store planners spend a lot of energy trying to get you to impulsively grab
items from the shelves, so it’s not very surprising that your child gets their message, even if you don’t. In
fact, think about the ways you avoid impulse buying, and apply those rules:
• Plan ahead – reduce the number of trips to the store, and leave her in the care of others for some of
those trips.
• Shop from a list – it saves time and keeps trips within a child’s attention span.
• Shop when you and she are well-fed and rested. Tired and hungry is no way to grocery shop.
Once you are at the store, allow the child to participate:
• Stop for a moment and focus your attention completely on her as she helps pick out a box of cereal or
something else safely. Children want to explore their environments and if you can, let them out of the
cart as you watch. Remember, a two-minute pause in the aisles may seem long, but a tantrum at the
checkout lane lasts an eternity.
• Make trips fun by playing “I Spy,” or asking questions that require thinking, but don’t seem like a quiz.
For example, “Help me find the things that are heavy, so we can put them in the bottom of the bag.”
• If you are going to purchase an item for your child, carefully limit the choices before she makes a
decision. Here’s the trap to avoid:
Dad, looking for a break, says, “OK, you can pick one out yourself.”
Child lunges for the most expensive, gooeyist, sugar-laden or sharpest object in sight, saying,
“I want THAT one.”
Dad, now grabbing the child’s forearm, “No, you can’t have THAT one.”
Child demonstrates mastery of valuable debate skills with comeback, “BUT YOU SAID I
COULD CHOOSE!”
If you do find yourself in a situation like this, take a deep breath. You are still a good parent, you just happen to have an upset child. As long as the child poses no real danger to herself or anything else your best bet might be to acknowledge her feelings, “I’m sorry. I know you wanted that one, and I should have been more clear…”

Holiday Gifts
Q: The holidays are coming up and my four-year old is the first grandchild in the family, so he's going to
get a lot of attention. What gifts would you suggest that have some educational value?
A: First of all, weed out 99% of the toys that refer to “brain development” in their advertising. It’s just
hype. Researchers may be convinced that the first five years are important for brain development, but they
don’t know enough yet to tell you which pre-school toy will get your kid into Harvard. Just doing lots of
things and talking about them with your little one is going to be more effective than any holiday toy.
Next, downplay anything that requires batteries, “some assembly,” complicated instructions, or holds
some form of a computer chip. No doubt someone will falter on this front, and that’s not a disaster – it’s just
that there are plenty of other choices around that are great fun, good for learning, and don’t require
downloading anything.
Look for things that encourage lots of different uses or imaginative play. For instance, a box of
appropriately-sized blocks beats a toy truck in that regard, but a few toy vehicles that can go from the kid’s
room to the kitchen floor to the waiting room at the doctor’s office certainly beats a looping roller coaster
car that goes on a track that has a dozen pieces and takes 20 minutes to set up in only a single
configuration. You see where we’re coming from on this one?
Of course, when it comes to portability, nothing beats a book. Especially one that you will read to him
over and over again, sitting next to him and discussing it with him.
Books are also generally pretty safe objects, and safety should always be a concern. For instance, stick
with the recommended age minimums on toy labels, and no bike should ever arrive without a helmet.

Reading is a “three-way” street
Q: I want my child to be a good reader, so I am going to start reading to him, but when? He’s less than a
year old, and he’d just as soon chew on the book as look at it.
A: It’s true the expression “eat your words” has an entirely different meaning when it applies to babies and
books. There is a reason why board or cloth books have non-toxic inks!
Those books often don’t even have words, just pictures. They are built to be explored by your child, and
used by a parent to establish a caring interaction that can grow through the years.
Start with an infant by holding him in your lap with the book in front of both of you. The closeness and
sharing are critical for emotional as well as intellectual growth of your child. If you can adjust him to one side so
you can occasionally look at each other, or the book, even better. Parent to child “face time” is very important.
Using a sturdy picture book, talk about each page or picture. Talk about such things as, “What is this?
What is it doing? What color is it? How does it feel?” A sentence or two is fine. You will be doing this over
and over again with a few favorite books, so there’s no need to overdo it each time.
Let your child handle the book as he is able to. A child is not “bad” because he tries to explore the book
with his mouth. That’s natural for an infant. Think of it as “getting a taste for books.” Gently remove it and
move on when that happens. Reading this way creates a pattern of associations between a comfortable and
secure experience with a caring adult and representations in print and language.
Reading with a slightly older child gives you a chance to build “phonemic awareness.” Hearing comes
before talking, so even before a toddler has started making words (that you can understand) the child is
hearing all that you say and creates associations between sounds and meanings. Rhymes or repeating letter
sounds give the child chances to hear word differences, see how you make the sounds and enjoy the attention.
Stop from time to time while reading to an older toddler and start asking “what do you think” questions.
They are better than “name this” questions because they encourage self-expression and practice in using
language. The answers may surprise and amuse you. At this stage, good expression is more important than
“right” answers to questions such as, “what color is it?”
When reading to a pre-schooler you can start making closer associations between words on the page and
spoken language. Reading the same books over and over again may wear you out, but repeating phrases he’s
memorized as he looks at the page is good practice for your child. Continue your conversation by
encouraging him to make up new parts of the story to go along with what he hears and sees. This is what
we mean when we say reading is a “three-way” street. It’s a place where three people meet to exchange
ideas – the author, you and your child.

“Here she comes!”
Q: My six-month old baby has started inching her way around the floor, so I know that she’ll be crawling
around the room soon. How should I be prepared?
A: The joke goes that no matter where you set a child down, she will always head for the sharpest object in
the room. And most of the time it will be something you don’t even see.
The way to prepare for this situation is to look at the world through your child’s eyes. Sit on the floor
with her. Better still, lie on your stomach. Even if she’s not about to crawl around, it’s still a good idea to get
down to her level, because you can have a much richer interaction with her than watching her from above.
Jiggle her toys, see what she’s interested in and talk to her in gentle voice. Let her explore your hands and
face. It’s more fun than playing with a puppy!
The world is a very different place at this altitude, isn’t it? Telephone cords, electrical outlets, power
strips, spilled Cheerios, dropped coins, lost pencils (well sharpened) and dust bunnies all loom large from
this perspective. It’s no wonder kids explore these things. Crawl around and identify the vulnerable places –
the unprotected outlets, the houseplants, the chairs with casters that might pinch or roll over a finger and
the other “stuff ” – aptly named because it is stuffed under couches or beds – that could injure or poison.
There are times and places where appropriate child fences, playpens and other restraints are necessary,
but you and your child will have better experiences if you can crawl-proof places in your house where you
can be with her.
You might as well anticipate the next stage of development, too. Almost as soon as they can actively
crawl around a room, most children will start trying to pull themselves up to stand. And what goes up can
pull something down. So turn your “radar” to items such as lamp cords and tablecloths. Remember, when
she reaches for your jacket that you dropped on the countertop, your five-pound purse and $200 cell phone
will be sitting on top of it.

Going to school for child seat installation
Q: When I started putting my firstborn in a car seat it seemed pretty easy. Now I’m up to my third and I
find out that most car seats are installed incorrectly. What do I do?
A: According to the National SAFE KIDS Campaign it’s true that four out of five of all car seats are
installed or used incorrectly. If you consider there are more than 100,000 combinations of car seats and
vehicle seat styles, that statistic is not that surprising.
The good news is that car seat and car manufacturers are teaming up with police and other organizations
to improve the situation, since vehicle crashes are still the nation’s number one killer of children under the
age of 15.
You can start by looking for the sticker that says the seat meets federal safety standards. If you see it,
then read the instruction booklet and your vehicle owner’s manual carefully. If the car seat don’t seem to
match the way your vehicle is designed, consider another car seat. If you have already purchased the car
seat, try calling the manufacturer to get help.
Another option is to look for a car seat inspection program near you. At these events, parents and care
givers can get free inspections of their car and car seat combinations. Your local police or fire department
may know about one. These Web sites also list certified instructors who run these events:
www.michigansafekids.org and www.safekids.org.
If you own a car built since 2000, consider buying a new safety seat, because newer cars come with
what’s known as the LATCH (Lower Anchor and Tether for Children) system that works with all safety
seats sold now. It’s a universal system of clips and straps that secure the seat once at the top and twice at the
bottom, completely independent of car safety belts. The system is much easier to learn and use. Just clip in,
cinch tightly and the child can “climb aboard.”
As your children age, remember the progression – until they are at least one year old and at least 20
pounds infants go in rear-facing seats, toddlers from 20-40 pounds can move to forward-facing safety seats.
Tight is right – snug fits for the child and the seat itself.
Your older children get booster seats if they weigh less than 80 pounds or are less than 4’9” in height.
These correct the problem of seat belt-shoulder belt combinations that don’t fit or adequately protect kidsized
humans very well. And they also give them a better view out the window. The same Michigan SAFE
KIDS Web site offers shopping and fitting tips.
Finally, keep children under 12 in the back seat. And model safe habits by buckling up yourself. Have a
great trip.

Hitting the road with kids
Q: School’s out and in spite of gas prices, the family will be spending lots of time in the car. How do we
manage trips with our two pre-schoolers?
A: First, prepare the car. Is it travel-ready? Mess multiplies, so clear out the debris before you start; then
pack your motor club card or emergency car supplies. When you are prepared for surprises they can
become great stories to tell instead of stressful disasters to endure.
Fill up with gas before you load up the kids. Every minute counts once they are strapped in.
Prepare for spills. We’ve heard of parents who spread a vinyl tablecloth over seats – cutting holes as
needed to secure safety seat straps. Short of that, bring prepackaged wipes or a moist washcloth in a resealable
plastic bag. And garbage bags of various sizes.
Bring fluids. Water beats sugary juice drinks. It isn’t sticky when it spills and can be used to clean up
other messes. And when you get right down to it, giving a child confined to a car seat a dose of sugar
stimulation sounds like an invitation to trouble.
Prepare the kids. No trip should be a surprise. Involve children any way you can in planning –
choosing their own book or activity, filling a water bottle, selecting spare clothes. Show them photos of
your destination or the people they will see there. Ask older children to imagine what they might see or do,
without promising anything. Respond to fanciful answers with non-judgmental statements such as, “That
WOULD be something if we did that, wouldn’t it?”
Prepare yourself. Don’t neglect your own needs while preparing the kids. If you are irritated by
something you forgot, your children will sense that and become cranky in return. Lower your time and
distance expectations. Destinations aren’t everything; journeys can be great adventures, too.
When you hit the road, there are appropriate times for music, audio books or even videos, but activities
that are social can be great fun, too. If the scenery doesn’t lend itself to alphabet, number, or item spotting
games try imagination activities such as taking turns making up a sentence to create a ridiculous story.
Finally, fear no detours. Driving 45 miles-per-hour on the two-lane roads of Michigan beats bumper to
bumper idling on any Interstate. This is especially true from the back seat. Scenery is much more engaging
when it’s just a few feet beyond the window. The quality of all “look-see” games jumps dramatically. Small
towns can spark stories or conversation.

Open-ended questions
Q: Naming letters, numbers and colors is getting kind of stale at our house. It bores me and my three-anda-
half-year-old doesn’t seem that challenged, either. What else can I do if I want to keep him learning?
A: We know what you are talking about. We pepper our pre-schoolers with questions that have one-word
answers such as “What letter is this?” and then we wonder why, as teenagers, they seem to talk only in
monosyllables. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but it makes two very important points: first, true dialogue
takes practice, and second, it is a very powerful learning tool itself. For those reasons we ought to be
practicing dialogue with our children as soon as and as often as we can.
One of the most useful techniques to encourage children to develop their speaking skills is the openended
question. The best example is, “Tell me about this…” Notice it isn’t even a question, and there is no
hint of judgment. It’s an invitation for the child to reflect on what he knows or feels; and it allows him to
stick to the facts or to imagine something else.
Your child may not be used to such a prompt, so you may have to begin with a more traditional Q and A
interview. Interviews help establish the rhythm of conversation. Let your son try to complete thoughts
before you finish them for him. After you have established a few basics, extend interviews with speculative
questions. Here are some ideas to use when talking about a child’s artwork.
“There are a lot of different colors here. What does it remind you of? I like lots of colors. Are these all
the colors you like? What else might you add? This scribbly part here looks like it was fun to do. Show me
how you did that. What does that feel like? How did you feel making this? How does it make you feel when
you look at it? Why’s that, do you think?”
If the picture is more representational help your child become a storyteller.
“Are these people? Who are they? What is going on? How does he feel right now? Why’s that? What
might happen next? If that happened, then how would he feel? Is this like something that you did once, or
heard about? What was that like? Is this different from that? What’s the difference?”
Found objects can spark conversations about nature or science, especially with older pre-schoolers.
Don’t worry too much about “wrong” answers unless they might encourage dangerous behavior. We all
speculate, so have fun with it.

Summer safety
Q: Kids love water and my three-and-a-half-year-old is no exception. How do I fit her for a life jacket?
A: Among all age groups, children from zero to four have the highest rate of drowning, and the fit of a PFD
(personal flotation device, or life jacket) can make a huge difference.
Test a young child’s PFD for the correct fit by grabbing the jacket at the nape – behind the child’s neck
– with both hands and lifting. As you lift, the child and jacket should come up together. If her arms go up
and she slides out of the jacket, the jacket should be refitted or replaced.
Michigan state law requires PFDs on any child through age six when he or she is on or around the deck
area of a boat. They are also good for older children and adults.
Back at the beach or around the pool, young children need constant supervision, because it takes just a
few inches of water and less than a minute for a child to drown. According to the National Safety Council
most drowning or near-drowning happens when a child is unattended in a bathtub or falls into a pool.
National Safety Council has other good recommendations for parents:
• Pick up toys from in and around the pool when not in use. Toys can attract children to the pool.
• Install barriers around the pool to offer added protection against drowning. If you use a pool cover,
drain the surface of the cover, as a child can drown in very small amounts of water.
• Enroll children over age three in swimming lessons taught by qualified instructors. But keep in mind
that lessons don't make your child "drown-proof."
• Be prepared for an emergency.
• Never consume alcohol when operating a boat.
• Always have a first-aid kit and emergency phone contacts handy. Parents should be trained in CPR
(cardiopulmonary resuscitation).
Great Lakes beaches can be particularly dangerous after storms create rip currents. Heed posted
warnings and swim only where lifeguards are on duty. And it’s always a good precaution to check the area
yourself, no matter how safe it looks, before letting children play in the waves or taking them into the water
to swim with you.

Too much television
Q: I grew up watching Sesame Street, and now it seems like there are lots of good choices on television or
video for young children. But I also hear that any TV can be bad for kids. What do I do?
A: Too much TV is bad for children. That’s the word from the people at PBS, who have created more good
television for children than anyone else, so they ought to know.
To make matters worse, the way parents want to use television the most is they way it should be used
the least – as a distraction while a parent or caregiver attends to other chores.
There are plenty of times when all we want to do is put the kid alone in front of the tube, turn on a
“safe” channel without regard to the program, and walk out of the room to do some other pressing task. It
seems great for you, but it’s a darn good way to train your child to be a “TV zombie.” And it doesn’t much
matter how good the programs are.
Here are tips from PBS. Find them described in more detail at www.pbs.org/parents/issuesadvice/
1. Choose what your child watches carefully – especially avoid programs where conflicts are resolved
with violence. Turn it off unless there is a specific program you have planned in advance to watch.
2. Watch TV with your preschooler and discuss what’s happening with him or her as you do. Make it
fun with a lot of conversation.
3. Family time and active play are more important than TV – keep time in the day for both.
4. Use TV shows and videos to enhance listening skills.
5. Use TV to encourage active play, making it very clear that children can’t do what cartoon characters can.
6. Keep children away from programs that frighten them. Cuddle them when they are frightened –
physical comfort is more powerful than simply telling a child, “there’s nothing to worry about.”
Doing all this requires thinking and making accommodations. Can you bring a few of your other tasks for
the day into the room while you watch a video with your child? Can you bring the child and TV into the
kitchen while you prepare meals? Even better, can you involve the child in meal preparation without the TV?
When you get right down to it, TV is always there, but your child is growing quickly through his
preschool years. Every moment you share with him is something you both will savor for a lifetime.

Call waiting
Q: My five-year-old child has sitcom-quality timing when I pick up the phone to answer or make a call.
As soon as I connect – she interrupts. How do I stop it?
A: There are two conflicting ways to explain this behavior, and both may be factors at different times. On
one hand there are situations where a child is unconsciously attempting to manipulate a greater share of
your attention. The phone is competition for that, and each ring is demanding immediate attention. When it
rings, your focus changes, and probably without thinking about it much, she will start testing strategies to
get your focus back.
The alternative explanation is that many of us treat a conversation on the phone as a “secondary”
activity while we are also doing something else such as household chores, supervising children, or even
holding another conversation in person. If we, as caregivers don’t respect our own conversations on the
phone, we can’t expect our children to.
In either case, the solution is to address the situation with preparation and practice. Although we might
be tempted to try to “sneak away” for a conversation, a direct approach is probably better. By age five, most
children should be comfortable with the idea of taking turns and growing their patience, and telephone calls
are a good way to practice that.
When you place a phone call, prepare the child by telling her your plan and seeing that her immediate
needs are met. Confirm that and announce your intentions with a statement such as, “Now that you are all
set up with that puzzle, I’m going to use the phone for a few minutes. When I’m done, I’ll check with you
to see what you are ready to do next.”
You can expect your child to test you on this, and when she interrupts you can remind her of the plan –
you get time to make your call, then she gets attention when you are done. Making that deal in advance is
always easier than trying to negotiate it while you have someone on the other end of the line.
When the phone rings, treat your child as you would an adult, by excusing yourself before you answer.
If you are deeply engaged in an activity, you might even let the phone ring. An answering machine or
voicemail might be a good investment to help maintain your relationship with your child. Even if you do
answer you may still choose not to take the call, because it is interrupting an activity you were sharing with
your child. It may be that your caller should “wait her turn,” rather than your child. If you must take the
call, take a moment first to confirm your child is OK, then go back to the call. You are modeling the
courtesy you expect from your child.

The ABCs of choices
Q: I keep falling into the “Jeopardy” trap. You know, giving a statement in the form of a question such as,
“Do you want to go to the store with me?” All too often my three-year-old’s answer is a flat out, “NO.”
Now what?
A: At least you recognize it as a trap – as is ending a command with, “Okay?” What if it’s not okay with
the child?
The way to work around these traps is to offer choices at the same time as the command. For instance,
“We are going to the store now, would you like to take your Panda bear or your Big Bird book to look at.”
Now the child is focused on his choice, not the inevitable trip.
This particular example will also lighten your load to the car and offers a good lesson in planning.
Preschoolers enjoy exercising the power to choose, and since everyone has to learn how to make good
choices, why not start now?
Here are four tips:
1. Offer only those choices you can accept and fulfill. This is where you have to be careful about your
language.
2. Offer a limited number of choices. Too many choices are overwhelming. Start with two. If she is
handling that well, try three.
3. Offer choices that your child can distinguish as different. If A and B look alike from your child’s
point of view, that’s not really a choice, is it?
4. Offer choices that are emotionally safe. The choice between a favorite bear and a favorite book might
be too difficult unless a child has developed an understanding that the bear or book left behind will
be there when she returns.
Implementing choices is often harder than it seems. It may take some practice and preparation. If you
are going to offer snack choices don’t get caught with only a banana and a candy bar if you want your child
to make a healthy choice.
The more you practice offering choices the easier it becomes to weave them into your everyday
interactions with your child. For instance, try “helping” choices such as, “Would you like to help me sort
the cans, or wash the apples?”
Just don’t let the multiple choice approach take over everything. When you are sharing a book or
activity with your child, it’s better to offer them open ended questions than multiple choices.

Look for infant child care before the baby is born
Q: I just found out I am pregnant. This is my first child, and I will need child care for the baby. What are
the different child care options available to me? When should I start looking at child care facilities, and
what should I look for?
A: If you lived in Manhattan, it might already be too late! The stories there about finding “the right place” for
your child are really frightening. Even in Michigan there are counties with shortages of available
places–especially for infants–so you should begin your research two or three months before you will need care.
Start by calling 1-866-4CHILDCARE from your home phone. That statewide, toll-free number will
connect you to a referral specialist who keeps track of all licensed or registered child care in your area. He
or she can give you a list of centers and homes that you can contact, and a brochure describing what you
should look for and questions you can ask.
You can find regulated care for your child in a center with many other children, in a private home with
fewer children, or in your own home. There are advantages and disadvantages to each, so consider carefully.
Research shows that infants thrive if they are held, talked to, and gently helped to explore their
environment by caregivers who form stable relationships with the child. The best way to check that out is to
request a visit long enough to observe what the caregiver does in the center or home. In any case, there
should be no more than four infants between birth and age three in the care of one adult.
The four steps described in more detail in the brochure and on the Web at
http://www.mi4c.org/programs/downloads/4stepscc.pdf include:
• Interview possible caregivers – Ask about everything, but don’t forget education and training, because
the skill of the caregiver is often an indicator of quality care. A state license or registration is a
minimum.
• Check references – Ask other parents how well the caregiver does with their child, and how well the
caregiver communicates with them.
• Choose quality – Pick a caregiver who has the skills and interest in meeting the needs of your child
and family and your budget.
• Stay involved – Ask for and expect regular conversations about your child with the caregiver.
Save the phone number, 1-866-4CHILDCARE because the Michigan 4C agency you’ve reached has
other great resources for parents and child care providers. Don’t hesitate to call and ask about them. The
agency trains child care providers, educates parents about raising children, helps find financial resources for
child care when families are in great need, and just happens to write this column.

It’s not “making a mess,” it’s “experimenting” with paint
Q: Why do young children come home from child care with paint, mud, or food all over their clothes?
Why can’t they just stay clean?
A: Children who sit and watch television stay clean. Children who are actively learning by experimenting
with mud, paint and bananas tend to get dirty.
This is a good thing. Those “experiments” are helping children develop muscles and muscle control.
Stimulation from those activities creates connections in the brain that can last a lifetime. So dirty clothes
are often indicators of progress, not symptoms of a problem.
There are also ways to limit the chore of clothing cleanups. Many child care providers ask parents to
supply an oversized “paint shirt” for messy activities. Plastic aprons are good when the clothes could get
wet. Many kids look forward to putting them on because they know it’s a sign of fun to come. And it’s not a
bad idea to keep a spare set of clothes with the caregiver just in case “stuff happens.”
On the other hand, cleaning up our messes, brushing off our clothes, and washing our hands and faces
are also good learning activities, and they have the added benefit of helping to prevent the spread of
infection. Good child care should have both kinds of activities.
So when you check in for a visit or pick up your child, look around to see if your child and his
classmates stay dirty after messy activities or their clothes seem to have more than expected wear and tear.
If there is a consistent pattern, that might be a sign of careless care.
Usually, though, you are simply experiencing the Great Wash Cycle of Life: kids get dirty, kids clean
up. All is good.

My child plays at child care while I work all day – is that right?
Q: It seems my child spends most of her time in child care at play -- while I work all day. How can I tell if
my child is really being prepared for school?
A: Play is serious business for young children. They work as hard at it as you work on your job – and it
pays well, too, if you measure the pay in physical, cognitive, emotional, and social growth. Children delight
in make-believe or just exploring materials such as blocks, clay or finger paint. Those activities help them
practice making choices, develop their fine and gross motor skills, and interact socially with their peers.
There is also a great opportunity to nurture creativity during play.
In fact, the most important preparation for Kindergarten is developing a few basic life skills, curiosity,
and some abilities to interact well with others, including adults and children. Play helps all those things.
Child care providers can add significantly to the value of play, so it’s worthwhile to ask –
• Is play age-appropriate? For instance, competitive games are usually best left for school-age children.
• Is there time set aside for active and physical play and other, “dramatic” or creative play?
• Does the equipment encourage children to use their imagination – not limiting their play to a single
purpose or skill?
• Do children have a chance to express themselves while playing and make choices?
• Does the provider guide with a “light touch” to extend play, but not over-direct it or try to make it too
obviously “instructive?”
• Does the provider converse with the children to draw out ideas? (Telling children what to do or asking
“quiz questions” such as, “What color is that?” doesn’t count.) Look instead for speculating with an
open-ended question such as, “Now that Mommy has her baby all dressed, where do you think they
might go, and what will they do there?”
When all those things are happening, play really works!

Expulsion
Q: I was shocked when the director of the child care center where my 3-year old son gets care says his
behavior is so aggressive and disruptive that she may not be able to keep him there. Could this be true?
And if so, what can I do?
A: Some aggressive behavior in children is just part of growing up and your child care provider sees that
every day. However, your child care provider may be seeing something out of the ordinary, and it is time to
take steps.
Start with a parent-provider conference. Keep the lines of communication open. Try to identify the
specific situations and behaviors that are concerning to the provider. This is an emotional subject, but a
calm discussion often identifies the triggers to aggression and can lead to solutions. Consider observing
your child from the sidelines while he is interacting with adults and other children at child care. Then
compare your observations and disciplining styles with the providers. Keep this in mind – how you manage
behavior at home should be compatible with what he experiences with your provider. Ask yourself the
following questions: Is my child acting out because he is not getting enough attention from his caregivers
or other children? Is my child having a hard time adjusting to his environment or new activities? Does the
child care setting enforce consistent, age-appropriate classroom rules?
Some things to consider at home:
• Health or developmental reasons? Demanding schedules and increased stress at home? How do you
discipline? Some children react to punitive discipline by imitating it – they interpret grabbing, hitting,
shouting as “how adults get their way.”
• Do you accept aggressive behaviors in your home or allow violent games or images on TV? Or do you
model solving problems through discussion and cooperation?
If you and your child care provider cannot come to a resolution and she is about to turn your child away
to protect other children, ask for outside help before she does. In many Michigan counties, the 4C agency
offers confidential help to prevent child care expulsions. This might require little more than an observation
by an outside expert and a discussion with parents and a provider. Or it could turn into some extra training
for both parties.

Flu Prevention
Q: I really worry about the flu and every other kind of contagious disease that might appear at the child
care center. What can I do?
A: Teach your child to wash her hands, set a good example for it yourself at home, take time at home to
let her learn to do it well and see that your child care provider does the same. Hand washing is not quite a
miracle activity, but it may be the single easiest preventive measure you have available to you.
Find a way to spend some time observing your child care provider’s routines. Very young children need
help washing their hands, but by age three, many can do the job themselves. And once they’ve learned they
can do it and that it’s important, they are very good about teaching others and reminding everyone to follow
their lead and wash regularly. It’s great positive peer pressure, actually.
Other good practices to look for:
• Wiping down counters and food preparation areas with bleach solution
• Wiping down toys with a milder bleach solution
• No sharing of food. Food preparation is a very good activity for children, as long as all surfaces are
properly cleaned and the food handling tasks are kept to just the minimum of what’s required to learn
something.
• Careful handling of diaper changes and caregiver hand washing immediately afterwards
• Putting on clean clothes after soiling or wetting incidents
Ask your child care provider when she notifies parents about a contagious disease. You ought to get a
note or a call about flu or any other serious infectious disease that shows up at a child care center or
classroom, or even a milder infection if it begins to affect a significant proportion of the other children. If
you are concerned, press the issue to give yourself an opportunity to keep your child home to reduce
exposure. That being said, remember that chicken pox, measles and a few other childhood illnesses are
actually better caught when your child is young, because the symptoms and risks become worse with age.

Sick child planning
Q: What do I do when my kid is sick and they won’t accept him at child care? I can’t afford to miss too
many work days.
A: There is no getting around the fact that kids get sick. Prepare for those times in advance; and begin by
learning your child care provider’s policies for sending children home. You don’t want to drop off a child,
only to be called back as soon as you get to work. If your child is running a fever, for instance, it’s not
likely he feels like or should be around other children in a normal care surrounding.
The Oakland County Health Department has created a very thorough list of diseases and how long
children should be excluded from school or child care for each one. The list is useful after you have seen a
doctor and have a confirmed diagnosis. Find it by searching for “communicable disease reference chart” at
www.co.oakland.mi.us.
Households with two parents sometimes can split child sick days, so neither has to absorb them all.
Other people you call on should be trusted friends or relatives, because it’s really best if they can come to
your house. Transporting a sick child isn’t going to be pleasant, and may not be healthy for anyone
involved. And there is no place like your own bed or a comfy couch when you are feeling miserable.
In fact, sometimes the lure of those places raises the question, “Is the child really sick?” If he is up and
around and has no fever, even if he complains of stomach ache or another vague malady, it could be a
simple case of “stay-home-itis,” or as professionals would call it, separation anxiety. Then it’s time to turn
your attention to transition remedies, not traditional medicine. He may have a concern about something
going on at the center or at home that he may not be able to express. Stop the rush to get out the door in the
morning for a hug and some reassurance that you love him and he is going to a place where people care
about, and like him. Although the pause may put you a few minutes late for work – it might be better than
missing all day.

Not a “bite-sized” problem
Q: My two-and-a-half year-old bit another child at the center where I leave her while her mother and I go
to work. How should her caregivers respond, and what should I do?
A:Your concern is valid because biting is thought to be the leading reason toddlers are expelled from
child care facilities. While toddlers hit, kick, and pinch, biting is the behavior that strikes fear in the hearts
of parents and caregivers.
The fact is that toddlers often express themselves with physical behavior because they haven’t learned
how to do manage their impulses, thoughts and actions. A toddler who wants a toy grabs it. At age four or
five you can expect words such as, “You’ve had that toy long enough!” even if you don’t hear, “please.” But
a toddler is more likely to just go for the toy. The bite might come as a reaction to the grab, or a counter reaction
when the holder of the toy refuses to let go.
Compounding the problem is the fact that two- and three-year olds are not able to put someone else’s
needs before their own or to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. This dilemma can make parents and
caregivers feel powerless, but it doesn’t justify a physical attack such as spraying mouthwash into an
offender’s mouth or biting the child back. There are better approaches, and you ought to discuss them with
your caregiver.
Caregivers should intervene quickly in toddler conflicts. Their role is to coach the children. Quickly but
calmly separate the two toddlers past arm’s length to prevent further injury. This provides a chance for a
teaching moment. The goal is to stop the biting by helping the children resolve the problems that triggered
the biting. This means calmly describing the situation, identifying each child’s feelings, and coaching them
to a successful outcome. Eventually, toddlers begin to develop strategies for managing their impulsive
behavior and for negotiating peer conflicts. Adult coaching is essential. It’s too much to ask two-year olds to
“work things out themselves” without a caring adult’s guidance.
Rules, routines, and structured programs provide an environment that is predictable for toddlers. This
helps them feel safe and reduces classroom stress. Interesting activities keep children engaged in their own
play. Child care providers should offer a well-structured program that minimizes conflicts; however, peer
conflicts are inevitable and expected. When toddlers have conflicts with peers and act impulsively and bite,
we need to grab this reachable moment and use it as a teachable moment. Toddlers need our guidance as they
develop social skills just as they need our guidance to learn how to build with blocks or play with puzzles.

By Mark Sullivan of Community Coordinated Child Care